Jealous
by CallieArizonaPride
Summary: What if Callie had found Arizona crying in 12x04 instead of April? Can Arizona open up to Callie about everything she feels? Can Callie understand? Will they be the same after that conversation?


**A/N: Hello everyone! So as I attempted to finish the next chapter of Hurts like hell I came across this lost and incomplete piece that I felt the need to write. I started writing this right after watching 12x04 and this is the result. I hope you like it and please don't forget to let me know what you think! Love you all!  
**

 **PS: Thank you so much for your feedback on my other stories, I really appreciate knowing what you guys think.**

 _"I wished you the best of  
All this world could give  
And I told you when you left me  
There's nothing to forgive  
But I always thought you'd come back, tell me  
All you found was heartbreak and misery  
It's hard for me to say,  
I'm jealous of the way  
You're happy without me"_

Arizona couldn't keep the sobs from coming out of her mouth as she stumbled backwards and sat down on the first thing she could find to support herself. She felt the tears burn her pale skin as they fell on her cheeks in incomprehensibly huge waves, unable to stop herself from letting out this non-understandable feeling that made her chest feel tight and her throat feel like it was closing. She had no palpable reason to be crying, not anything she would find merely justifiable in her own mind, but there she was, in the supply closet, unable to see properly due to all the tears filling her eyes as the uncontrollable sad whimpers came out of her mouth.

She had been trying to keep it cool during the day, she had been trying to keep a positive attitude, she had been trying to be excited about the upcoming dinner, she had even ensured to tell Callie she was fine about her bringing in her new girlfriend. But she couldn't deny she had felt something blocking her lungs since the moment she had woken up, she couldn't breathe, she couldn't contain herself, she had been agitated, she simply couldn't slow down.

And then, she had found this amazing person she felt like she could talk to forever, and she had been able to slow down for the first time that day, to enjoy a conversation with someone who was way too senior to even be her patient. And he was in love, and she couldn't help but feel comforted by the fact that he was so madly in love at his age, after having lived an entire life thinking he'd never find anyone again. But he had died, and she couldn't keep herself together for another minute of that day.

She was just so tired of keeping it together, she was just exhausted of having to act like she was this shiny happy person, she didn't want to fight it anymore. As she heard the door open, she couldn't contain the sobs that grew stronger despite her failed attempt to stop them, to quiet them, making her almost want to laugh at the irony of the situation. She just wanted to be alone, to be able to cry for a second, to be allowed to break down for a minute without being judged for it, but she also wanted something to hold on to, she wanted a hug, she wanted comfort.

Arizona tried to open her eyes as she used her left wrist to wipe away her own tears, but that only caused her to drop the supplies she had been holding against her chest and to yet another wave of tears to fall from her eyes as the lump on her throat felt tighter.

"Arizona?" she heard the voice of the one person she didn't want to have found her crying in a locker as the steps behind her became louder when the person walked towards her. "Are you okay? What happened?"

Callie's voice hit her as if she had been punched on the stomach, and the blurred sight of the brunette crouching down in front of her with a concerned look on her face made Arizona shake her head trying to get rid of the warm tears.

"I'm fine," she stated, rushing to remove Callie's hand from her lap to get rid of her touch, of her comforting warmth. "I'm fine, it's nothing. Nothing happened."

The brunette frowned, her mind trying to think as fast as humanly possible about what could have upset her ex-wife so badly when she had seen her earlier that day with an excited smile on her face talking about how happy and comfortable she was about meeting Penny. Callie couldn't understand what was happening, but the image of a sobbing Arizona, alone in a supply closet, made her heart sink as she tried, with no success, to touch Arizona's arm in order to calm her down, in lack of any other ideas to do so.

She had seen Arizona cry before, she had witnessed her worst moments, she had been there for her in so many different occasions, she had once been the only person Arizona would ever cry to, because her ex-wife was just too intimate and introverted, she would only ever break down in front of Callie because she was her safe place, her home, and Callie had always been more than happy to comfort the pediatric surgeon. However, the way Arizona kept trying to free herself from Callie's touch as if they were somehow breaking into her intimacy made the brunette realize, painfully, that she wasn't that person anymore, she wasn't the one who got to see her ex-wife's worst moments, she wasn't allowed to anymore.

After all, she had been the one to do this, she had been the one to create this barrier between them by simply stopping to be there for the woman when she needed, for she thought that she shouldn't and couldn't be that person anymore, for she thought someone else should be that person for Arizona. But seeing the blonde woman in such fragile state, with her cheeks red and her eyes completely filled with tears she kept trying to hold back from falling, and completely alone, made her deeply regret ever creating this dynamic that didn't allow her to placate Arizona's sadness regardless of their relationship status.

They had been divorced for some time now, but Callie knew that didn't mean she wouldn't always be fond of Arizona, that she wouldn't always love the blonde woman, and that she wouldn't get sad by seeing her ex-wife breaking, because she certainly was fond of her, and she most definitely loved her, and the simple sight of her ex-wife crying made her own heart break into a million pieces.

"You should get back to work," Arizona stated as she swallowed her tears and tried to keep it together in front of her, but Callie shook her head and, fighting Arizona's protests, held the blonde's shoulders and made her stare at her.

"Not until you tell me what's going on," Callie replied in a decisive manner, keeping her eyes locked on the teary blue ones. "what happened, Arizona?"

"Nothing happened!" Arizona stated once again, this time in a louder tone as she let the tears she had been holding back fall again and covered her face with her two palms. "He wasn't even my patient," she spoke in a muffled tone and raised her eyes to find Callie's confused stare. "He wasn't even a baby. He was ninety!"

"Who was ninety?" Callie asked, trying to decipher Arizona's words and understand what exactly she was talking about.

Arizona had always been an amazing and talented surgeon and even though anyone who met her for the first time thought she would be the soft kind due to all the smiles and the kittens sewed to her lab coat, she had always been extremely tough and professional, in such way that sometimes it made her seem cold or detached to the eyes of anyone around her. She was anything but soft at work, and she had always had an amazing ability to not let herself care too much, get too involved, that had always made her so good at what she did, and kept her from breaking.

Callie remembered when she was still a resident, in the very beginning of their relationship, she had questioned Arizona about her ability to be so cold and detached while looking like the complete opposite - she seemed like the kindest and most caring person in the world when talking to a patient -, and she remembered having the pediatric surgeon tell her that she was aware of every little coffin but that surgeons needed to move on - with their plans, to the next patient -, otherwise they wouldn't be able to breathe.

The brunette knew, therefore, that it was extremely hard for a patient to leave Arizona in such messed up state, and though it had happened before, Callie could count in one hand the times it had occurred.

"Abe," Arizona revealed and let out a sad sob, her brain spinning as she tried to come up with the right words to explain exactly the reason she felt so badly even though she couldn't quite comprehend it herself. "He was...in love! He met the love of his life when he was 85." she explained, wiping away a tear that fell on her cheek and smiling at the thought of the old man talking about his beloved. "He was gonna propose to her...but he died."

Callie's heart sank at the announcement. She had always been the kind of person who fell in love too quickly, who loved too much, who believed in great love stories and happy endings and, even though her story with Arizona hadn't had a happy ending, she still believed in all those things, so much that the story her ex-wife told her made her tear up, her lips curving into a smile in order to repress the tears as she tilted her head in recognition of Arizona's feelings.

The brunette knew Arizona, completely opposite to her, had never been someone to believe in fairy-tales, even though she spent her entire day talking to patients who very much believed in them; she had never been someone who fell in love too easily, who gave up everything and anything to be with someone, who put someone else first without second guessing. Arizona was selfish, both in the good and the bad sense of the term: she was an individual who took care of herself, who watched out for herself, completely aware of the fact that relationships and involvement could end badly and could hurt her, so she never took the chance, she never let herself get too close, at least until she met Calliope.

Still, even after she met Callie and found out that she actually wanted things she never dreamed of wanting, she had never completely quit being skeptical about love stories, and Callie would often mock her when they were still married for her immunity to cute love stories that appeared every day in the hospital making everyone go crazy in love.

For that reason, Callie couldn't help but wonder if Arizona's meltdown was really about that, or rather only about that, because she simply couldn't picture the blonde woman she had met that morning that had a smile on her face crying because a 90 year old man died before he proposed to his loved one, even if the story really was heartbreaking.

"I'm so sorry," Callie said in a sincere tone, giving Arizona an apologetic look before touching the woman's knee in a comforting way. "But is that all that's happened?"

Arizona took a deep breath, tears still timidly falling from her sad blue eyes, trying to think of a way to put an end to the conversation without digging up the real reason for her breaking down inside the locker. She wanted to tell Callie that was it, she wanted to make Callie leave her alone so she could collect her own pieces and get back to work, she wanted to not think about why she was in such state, but she simply couldn't let it go, and the warm touch on her knee combined with the gentle look on Callie's face made her feel like it was okay to say it, like it was okay to let it all out.

She hated the effect Callie still had on her, she hated the fact that it only took the brunette touching her for her to feel safe, for her to feel at ease, for her to feel protected, she hated it because she couldn't have it anymore, it didn't belong to her.

"I just," Arizona began speaking, finally being able to calm down the rush of tears that had attacked her only minutes before. "I feel like I could talk to him forever...He made me feel like," she proceeded, trying to find the perfect words to describe the exact feeling that tightened her chest and made her feel so small. "You know, I never really believed that I'd find love again. Not anything real, or true. I thought that I had it and then I screwed it up, and... that was over."

Callie frowned at the words, her mouth opening as if she wanted to speak but no words coming out of it. She had no idea that Arizona blamed herself so much for their marriage not working, she knew she felt guilty about some of the things she had done in the past, she knew she felt sorry for her mistakes, she knew Arizona had never wanted to put an end to their marriage, but she never thought her ex-wife really believed that she would never be able to find love again, she never thought Arizona would still think about how she had screwed up, even though Callie never thought it was the blonde's fault.

"Arizona..." the brunette uttered the pediatric surgeon's name, and Arizona shook her head, making it clear that she didn't want to be pitied, that she didn't want Callie to apologize for anything she hadn't done.

"But then...he was madly in love at 85! And that," Arizona said with a smile as a short little laughter came out of her mouth when she looked up and took a deep breath. "is proof that there's-there is more love out there. And you may have found yours, and I can find mine. Even if it's in 60 years!"

Arizona couldn't help but notice a small grin appearing on Callie's face at the sound of her words, and she wanted to stop herself from keeping on talking, she wanted to stop herself from revealing her deepest and darkest secrets, but she just couldn't hold it back anymore.

She still loved Callie, she had never stopped loving her for one second, she loved her so much and she sincerely wanted her ex-wife to be happy, to find love, to be free. She had been all shades of awful in their relationship, she had made horrible mistakes she certainly wouldn't make if she was given a second chance, and she was aware of the fact that Callie had made mistakes too, and they were just as bad as hers, but she had never, for even a second, wanted to give up on them, on their love, on their family.

Arizona had loved Callie for what seemed like a lifetime – her life had only truly began after the brunette came into her life -, she still remembered falling in love, she still remembered the tiniest of things about how the love of her life looked like when she woke up, about the indescribable sensation of waking up in the middle of the night to find a safe embrace around her, about how happy she felt when she got home to Callie and Sofia laughing so hard they couldn't contain themselves.

The blonde woman remembered everything, she remembered every beautiful detail about the good parts, and she remembered every dark and tragic detail about the bad parts. She remembered how hard it had been after the crash, she remembered wanting to – needing to – be herself and a wife to Callie, but not being able to even recognize her face in the mirror, she remembered Callie's make-up running down her face as she told Arizona she was done fighting for them, she remembered the feeling of emptiness that came at the sight of the brunette leaving, she remembered the numbness, she remembered it all.

Callie had told Arizona to be free, to love herself, to move on, because she wanted to do that herself and the pediatric surgeon knew that. Arizona knew Callie wanted to be free, to not be suffocated by her presence, to not be caged by her, and she had accepted it, she had let Calliope go even though she knew she was giving up her own happiness, her own life. Arizona had caused herself tremendous pain for the sake of Callie's happiness, and she could say she was okay she could say she was handling it after all that time. Still, there she was, crying, contemplating about love and life and how screwed up everything is.

She had truly never believed she would ever find love again, she had never even tried to put herself out there, she had never attempted to see any potential on anyone else, because in her head she was done. She had had love, and she had lost it, and she would never be able to find that again, because it was a once in a lifetime thing and it certainly wasn't coming around again.

However, seeing Abe talk about his girlfriend, listening to him sounding completely and utterly in love, had made Arizona realize something she hadn't even considered before. She understood now that love wasn't that thing that only came around once, she understood now that there wasn't exactly just one person you could truly love, she realized she could love again, possibly in a different way, with a different story, but that it was possible. That realization, though, that was supposed to make her happy, had left her sad and scared instead.

"And that's just _awful_!" she finally cried out, a different and stronger rush of tears falling from her eyes as she sobbed inconsolably. "Because..." she tried to explain, looking at Callie's confused face with an apologetic look, feeling absurdly sorry for saying what she was about to when she had kept it inside her for so long. "Because I have already found my soulmate! I found her and she left. And I can _love_ again, I _can_ find someone else, I know that now, but I don't _want_ to!"

Callie's eyes became wide in surprise and shock as she listened to the declaration, having a wave of guilt fill her body as she realized, belatedly, that she had broken Arizona in a way she never thought she would be able to.

The brunette was familiar with the sensation of not knowing if she would ever be able to love again, not knowing if she had had her share of happiness for a lifetime, not knowing if anything like what she had shared with Arizona would ever come around again. However, she had never imagined Arizona felt that way, she had never thought her ex-wife was still so broken about them splitting up when she had never mentioned anything, when she had just a couple weeks before announced how happy she was that Callie was dating someone.

Callie had left and, even though she did miss Arizona and did love her, she had never thought that maybe it hadn't been the right thing to do, because she had felt stuck at the time, she had felt suffocated by all the pressure that came with trying to fix their relationship all the time, and she had honestly thought Arizona felt that way too, but was just too scared to admit it. She had wanted nothing more than for Arizona to be happy, to be free, just like she wanted herself to be, even if they hadn't worked out, and she had thought herself to be brave for taking the first step for both of their sake. Now, however, looking at a completely broken Arizona saying those things, she couldn't help but wonder if maybe she had made a completely selfish decision while thinking she was actually being selfless.

And then there was Penny, and Callie wasn't quite sure of what that was, or where it was headed. She knew she liked spending time with the redhead, she knew the woman made her laugh, she knew they shared so many things, but she was also aware of the fact that there were no fluttering butterflies in her stomach, that it was a lot more conscious and a lot less magical than it had been with Arizona, but she couldn't quite tell if that was good or bad considering how things had ended with her ex-wife. She had made herself believe that maybe, just maybe, she could grow to love that woman she was seeing, she could learn to love her; maybe that was what it should be about, instead of all the magic and craziness.

But there she was, sitting on the floor, staring at the most beautiful and angelic face in the world with a dumbstruck expression, feeling like everything she thought she had figured out by now had been turned upside down by Arizona's declaration. She wanted to speak, she wanted to find the words in her brain to come up with a coherent sentence, even if just one, but she couldn't, and she knew she had been sitting in silence for more time than socially acceptable in a conversation, and she could see Arizona start to freak out because of the embarrassment she felt about saying all those things.

"Arizona, I," Callie let the words come out slowly, as she reprogrammed her brain to make sense of the feelings. "I left because-"

"Because you wanted to be _free_ ," Arizona finished her sentence in a low tone, shaking her head as she felt a wave of complete and utter embarrassment for having even told Callie all those things when it was clear the other woman didn't feel the same, when it was obvious Callie was more than happy to have found love again. "Because you didn't want _me_ to be stuck, because you wanted _so much more_ for me," she went on, recalling Callie's exact words and paraphrasing them. "Because you wanted me to feel free as well."

"Is that so bad?" the brunette asked timidly, looking down at her hands that fell on her own lap.

"No, Callie, it's not," Arizona reassured her, guiding her hand to her forehead and letting her fingers run through her own hair in an attempt to calm down. "I know the intention was good, _I know_ you meant well. But what you don't understand is that I'm not free. God, I'm _anything_ but free! You wanted me to not be stuck and that's what I am! I am stuck, Callie, I feel trapped. Not because anyone is trapping me, not because anyone is caging me. No, it's even worse! It's like I feel stuck in liberty, in an infinite cell, and I can't run away from it because there is nothing handcuffing me!"

Callie closed her eyes, the words coming out of Arizona's mouth causing her immense pain and sadness and despair, because she did not feel free either, she had never felt free after she left Arizona. She had tried to move on, she had tried to embrace freedom, she had tried everything and, at the point she realized that she had failed, it had seemed like too late to come back around, it had seemed selfish to knock on Arizona's door to tell her she wanted her back, it had seemed like cruelty to even think about doing so. So she repressed the thought, convincing herself those moments were just instants of weakness, that it was normal, that it was going to pass eventually.

"I'm so sorry," she managed to say, closing her eyes and letting a tear fall from her eyes. "I had no idea that you felt that way. You never _told_ me…"

"How could I tell you?" Arizona pointed out, failing to catch a breath and closing her eyes to contain the tears. "I don't even know how and why I'm telling you this right now! It was so clear you didn't want it anymore, you didn't want _me_ anymore. I was suffocating you! And I just wanted you to be happy, because you deserved to be!"

"Even if that was gonna cost you your own happiness?" Callie questioned her, completely perplexed by her own inability to perceive all the struggle Arizona had been facing over the past year.

"Even if it _did_ cost me my own happiness." she stated and closed her eyes, throwing her head back and letting it rest on whatever shelf stood behind her as she somewhat enjoyed the feeling that came with finally being able to say the words that had been stuck inside of her for so long, eager to be uttered.

She sat there for some minutes, her eyes closed, her breath becoming steady, the world around her disappearing as she came to terms with the fact that she had told Callie everything she hadn't before, with the fact that their friendly relationship would probably feel more awkward from then on, at least for some time, she hoped for not too long. She didn't feel a thing for some time as she counted her own breaths in order to calm down, in order to control her own emotions, in order to stop the tears from falling. She could sense her skin dehydrate as the tears dried, and she didn't bother to move a finger to clean her cheeks, she didn't care.

She had said everything she needed to say, she had confessed everything she had been holding inside. She knew nothing would change and everything would change at the same time, she knew she would still feel lonely, and that she would still ache and long for Callie; she knew she would have to watch herself around Callie's girlfriend, she knew it would be awkward to be around them, she knew she'd have to deal with Callie's uncomfortably long stares and endless apologies, or endless rage for having declared her quite literally undying love for her.

It wasn't until almost five minutes later, approximately, that something changed, that a new feeling appeared, in both physic and psychological field. She felt the warm touch of Callie's fingers touching her face in a rather timid manner, almost as if she was scared she would break the woman in a zillion pieces if she even laid a hand on her. Arizona didn't open her eyes, feeling to scared of facing the brunette's gaze, but she didn't move either, curious to know where Callie was headed, what she was doing. She sensed as Callie ran her fingers through her cheek in a more confident way, feeling a rush of flutters hit her in the stomach.

She opened her eyes slowly, finding Callie's intense brown irises not many inches away from her, feeling her warm breath against her cold skin. The blonde woman took a short breath with her mouth, losing hold of the air in her lungs as she smelled the scent that was undeniably and distinctively belonging to Callie and having her mind be turned upside down as she wondered, in a fraction of second, what the brunette was doing, as she exhibited a confused frown.

Arizona didn't have time to catch another breath as she instinctively opened her mouth slightly, her eyes focused on the brunette's lips, that seemed to be closer than they'd been in a very long time. She tilted her head, her body involuntarily moving towards Callie as she locked eyes with her, and slowly closed her eyes when their lips finally touched in a calm and peaceful moment.

Both of them felt the wave of serenity and a feeling of belonging when their lips locked, their hearts started beating faster and any thought they had in mind was completely consumed by the other's presence that irradiated in the room around them. The kiss was gentle, and sweet, and it had the precise taste of coming home after a long time away and feeling like you had never even been absent for that long, because it just felt right, and safe, and familiar, because it felt like home.

Neither of them opened their eyes for almost a minute after the kiss ended, both just too scared of the other's reaction, too afraid of ending the moment, feeling a wave rejection at the idea of coming back to reality, to the real world, in which they were divorced, and Callie had a girlfriend, and nothing was the same.

"Arizona," Callie uttered her ex-wife's name after she opened her eyes, feeling completely frightened and scared of the blonde's reaction.

"Why would you do that?" Arizona asked as she opened her own eyes and shook her head in disbelief, reality kicking in and a feeling of guilt taking over her, giving Callie the impression that she was accusing her of something. "I mean... _why_? Why would you be so cruel?"

"I love you, Arizona," the brunette said, tears falling from her eyes as she finally let out the words she didn't even know she was allowed to utter anymore, even though she meant them with every fiber of her being. "I _love_ you."

Arizona swallowed hard and stared at the brunette, whose face was still only inches away from hers, for a moment, her brain spinning and her hands sweating. She couldn't believe she had heard those words coming from Callie, the words she had dreamed of for so many nights, the words she had needed to hear for so long, the words she thought she would never hear again. Callie loved her, and she didn't know how that was possible or if that was possible, but she couldn't help but feel a wave of both excitement and fear rush through her body as she processed the sound of that declaration, as she tasted its melody.

" _You do_?" she asked quietly, still not completely believing what she had just heard.

"I do, I love you, Arizona," Callie responded and was surprised by Arizona's lips pressed against hers, savoring them as she wrapped her arms around Calliope's neck and breathed her in.

"I love you, _Calliope_." she declared, her voice revealing a tone of devotion as the blonde woman uttered Callie's name that only she was able to pronounce.


End file.
